Saturday Mornings
by Prisoner Len
Summary: Sephiroth has to do his own grocery shopping now—thank you, Angeal. Something about dealing with crowds and imbeciles on Saturday mornings really sets him off. And WHY is that teenager following him? CxS; AxZ mentioned. Oneshot.


Saturday, for most, was a day of rest. Arguably the best day of the week—no work for most, no school, just rest and relaxtion. Time to spend doing whatever the hell you want; whether that "whatever" was watching paint dry, terrorizing cadets at Shinra Inc., or watching TV. Or, for cadets, avoiding Genesis and catching up on training and homework.

For Sephiroth, Saturday meant shopping. Dealing with the crowds, his fans, and those crazy-ass bitches who literally fought over the last can of diced kumquat that was on sale. Which, to him, was almost as bad as paying a visit to Hojo—only shopping was more frequent. He wished Saturday never existed. Or that he'd never have to go shopping again.

But he did. And it was Saturday.

General Sephiroth was quite possibly the most noticeable person standing in the parking lot of Midgar Shop & Save, a hoodie zipped up over his bare chest and a pair of loose blue jeans barely hanging onto his hips, his long silver hair pulled up into a loose ponytail and a pair of glasses framing his cat-like green eyes. And a scowl to rival that of the worst Genesis had ever allowed to grace his features.

Someone dared honk their car horn at him while he stood there, hands clenched around the handle of his carriage so tightly his knuckles were white.

He flipped them off and gave them some advice on where to shove their entire car.

Yes, Sephiroth hated Saturdays from the very bottom of his heart.

He roughly shoved the cart forward, swearing like a sailor when some little brat got in his way, dragging his sneaker-encased feet across the pavement of the parking lot, and completely determined to make everyone and everything around him as miserable as he was. If he had to deal with assholes on his Saturday morning just to get himself necessities, then he'd make damn sure they all had to deal with an asshole they'd _never_ forget.

You see, General Sephiroth was a spoiled, grumpy man; if he wanted something, he got it—no matter what. And nobody questioned his methods. The only times he could recall _not_ getting what he wanted… well, that one time that Angeal told him not to try bribing people into grocery shopping for him, and when Genesis rejected him. Otherwise, he _always_ got what he wanted. And then Angeal suggested he try to be more friendly and "_normal_". He had laughed over the suggestion—why should he pretend to be normal when he was anything but?—until Genesis had told him straight to the face that his attitude was exactly _why_ he was rejected.

So the Great General Sephiroth was on week number two of willingly (sort of) going grocery shopping, and on the very slow track to being-a-bit-more-normal-and-a-bit-less-of-a-douchebag-to-everyone-around-him.

Very, _very_ slow track, he mentally noted as he told some brat to get the fuck out of his way or he'd cut their testicles off. The angry look he got from the screaming child's mother told him he wasn't quite doing the whole "normal" thing correctly.

He pushed his carriage through the automated door, and immediately felt the urge to turn around and go home. Fuck bread. Fuck his shampoo. Fuck his life. This grocery store was damn crowded, and he didn't want to be there. Something vibrated against his leg and—eyebrows arched high—he fished around in his pocket for his phone. He withdrew it, gave a woman who told him to move an acidic glare, flipped it open, and pressed it to his ear.

"Yes?"

"Why the hell are you standing in the middle of the automated doors?" came Angeal's voice with an exasperated sigh.

Sephiroth raised the other eyebrow and looked around. He was in the middle of the automated doors? He glanced behind him to see a rather long line of people. Yes. Yes he was. Shrugging, he lazily pushed his carriage into the store and resumed his conversation. "Because you called me while I was entering the building."

"You were standing there before I called you." Angeal replied. Zack snorted a laugh in the background.

"Angeal," Sephiroth sighed, pushing his carriage into the first aisle. "What the fuck do you—Wait, are you _spying_ on me?"

"It's not spying. We're making sure you don't kill anyone!" Zack said in a sing-song voice, taking the phone from Angeal.

"I have _never _killed anyone while grocery shopping!" Sephiroth roared into the phone, stopping in front of the rice. He yanked a bag of the product off of the shelf and chucked it into his carriage, casting glares at the few who dared look at him. "You're making me look ridiculous." He hissed, pushing the carriage a bit further and frowning at a little girl who had decided to plant her fat ass in his way.

"I don't think you need help with that." Zack muttered, handing the phone back to Angeal. Sephiroth scowled at the box of spaghetti he pulled off of the shelf.

"Just don't hurt anyone, okay?" Angeal said. "And no swearing."

Sephiroth snorted a laugh into the mouthpiece. "Fuck you." He simply replied, then snapped the phone shut and shoved it back into his pocket. He narrowed his eyes at the fat little girl in front of his carriage. "_Move_."

The little girl stood there, staring at him with ridiculously large brown eyes, thumb in her mouth and the other hand wrapped around a chunk of her own black hair. She shook her head, pouted, then pointed at him with her spit-covered fingers. "Tha's not da magic word!"

"What the fuck is a magic word?" he growled at her. Her mother glared at him. He flipped her off.

"_Please_!" the girl said, rolling her eyes and stomping her foot—just like the damn little brat that she was.

Sephiroth was pretty sure his eye was twitching, and he was _positiv_e he was grinding his teeth. Hadn't Angeal told him not to do that because it ruined them? "_Please_ move, you fat piece of lard." He whispered through clenched teeth.

"No!" the elephant-child giggled, shaking her head and smiling.

"Listen, you little brat." He snapped back, looming over the carriage and glaring down at her. "I eat people three times your size for _breakfast_. I _don't_ want to be here, I fucking _hate_ people, you're in my way, and I said the goddamn magic word. Now _MOVE_."

The girl opened her mouth to reply, but her mother dragged her out of his way. Successful, Sephiroth shoved his cart forward with much more force than was needed and made sure he stuck his tongue out at the elephant-child as he walked by. He snatched a box of cereal off of the shelf, swore at some old lady for taking too long, then swerved into the next aisle. His favorite soda was on sale, and he was _not_ going to miss out on getting a second bottle free. Internally smiling to himself—because he was pretty much incapable of smiling when so many people were around him—when he finally found it, he reached a hand out, and picked it up.

…And then someone else picked up the last bottle.

Scowl firmly in place, and eyebrows furrowed in irritation, he slid his eyes from the white bottle cap, up the black shirt sleeve, and finally met the equally grumpy look on the person who was taking _his_ soda's face. Blue eyes glinted dangerously, and the teen's pierced lips were in a frown to rival Sephiroth's own. He was dressed similarly to the General—loose hoodie over his scrawny chest, and pants much too big. And blonde hair spiked in the most ridiculous fashion Sephiroth had ever seen.

"I was here first." the teen stated matter-of-factly. He reached a hand for Sephiroth's bottle of soda.

Oh, it was on.

"_No_, you _weren't_. I was." Sephiroth snapped, pulling the soda closer. "You look like a chocobo's ass end."

A blonde eyebrow arched and the teen snorted. "And you look like a fucking nerd. Give me the soda, dickwad."

"_Dickwad_?" the General repeated, eyebrow raised. "Listen, you little—"

And then the teen grabbed the bottle of soda from him, grinned like the cocky asshole he was, and held both bottles up to show him. "Oh, what was that? Can't hear you over how fucking _awesome_ I am."

Someone laughed and Sephiroth whipped his head around. Nobody was in the aisle but him and the blonde. Frowning, he turned back to face the prick stealing his soda. "Give it."

"No." the boy laughed, turning and walked away.

Sephiroth followed him, his grip on the carriage so tight that the metal started to bend. "I was here first, you asshole."

"Don't care." He laughed again, falling back to walk next to Sephiroth, both bottles of soda firmly clenched in his hands. "You have no fucking clue who you're dealing with, old man."

"And _you_," Sephiroth snapped, and shoved the teen away from him. "Don't know who _you're_ dealing with. Do you fucking know who I am?"

The blonde was completely unfazed by the push, and merely stepped back to the silver-haired man's side, rolling his eyes and snorting a laugh. "Oh yes, how could I not recognize the _Great_ General Sephiroth? I should be kissing the damn floor." he said sarcastically.

Now, Sephiroth usually held some form of tolerance for people—he had to deal with them on a daily basis, after all—but this boy was pissing him off. Not once in his twenty one years of life had he ever wanted to kill somebody so badly.

No, that was a complete lie. He wanted to kill Hojo every second of his life. Then bring him back and do it _again_.

"Who the hell are you?" he snapped, coming to a sudden halt and turning on the blonde.

"Cloud Strife, _sir_." came the reply, along with a lazy half-salute and another roll of his bright blue eyes.

They walked in silence until they came to the deli department, Sephiroth grinding his teeth, and Cloud blissfully—in a completely angry-rebellious-teenager way—unaware that the General was kind of wishing he'd go the hell away.

And of course, standing at the deli counter were two elderly woman. Sephiroth sighed, leaned his elbows on the carriage, and glared at them. Cloud hauled himself onto the counter and proceeded to drum a beat on the glass surface… with his shoes.

Classy.

"I'll take seven pounds of Swiss cheese." One of the old women said, pointing at the ham.

The other woman hit her with her purse. "You old coot, you ain't want seven _pounds_ of cheese!"

"Shut yer trap, Ethel! I know damn well what I'm wantin'!"

Sephiroth groaned; he had to deal with some random kid stealing his soda and following him, the crowds in the grocery store, and now two elderly women were beating the shit out of each other at the deli with their purses.

What the fuck _else_ could go wrong?

"Eunice, ya ain't need seven pounds of cheese! Yer wantin' slices!" Ethel shrieked, slapping the other woman with her bony old-lady hand.

Eunice was quiet for a moment, squinting at Cloud rather than the deli worker. Then she nodded her head and said to him, "Seven slices, sonny! Make it snappy!"

The man behind the counter looked at Cloud (who was rearranging the soda in his hands and looking completely uninterested in the old lady wrestling championship that had occurred before him), shrugged, and went to slice the cheese.

Eunice whirled on Ethel, bony hands on hips. "Why you followin' me, Ethel?"

"I'm your sister, ya nutcase!" Ethel shouted in her face. She turned to Sephiroth, and waved her hand around. "The hell you lookin' at?"

"Not entirely sure." Sephiroth growled, glaring at her. "But it should probably be in the ground by now."

Cloud snorted, then burst out laughing, nearly falling off of the glass display case. Ethel glared at Sephiroth, Eunice ate a piece of decorative lettuce, and the employee behind the counter gave the General a completely horrified look. The cheese was passed to the elderly lady, and with one last lingering gaze at Sephiroth, the two hobbled off, bitching at each other over whether or not they were related.

"Can I help you, sir?" the deli employee questioned, smiling at Sephiroth.

A fake smile.

Sephiroth hated fake smiles. "Don't fucking smile if you don't mean it." he snapped, narrowing his eyes. "Five slices of cheese, ten slices of turkey."

The smile immediately dropped off of the man's face and he frowned at Sephiroth before turning and going into the back room. Cloud snorted, clicked his tongue, and rolled his eyes.

"What the hell are you laughing at?"

"_You_." Cloud replied, smiling for the first time since the two had met. It was rather charming. "You're such a grumpy asshole."

"I'd like to see _you_ deal with my life." Sephiroth hissed back through clenched teeth.

Another snort of laughter. "Yes, it must be _so_ difficult stomping around and throwing temper tantrums everyday."

The deli employee returned, shoved Sephiroth's turkey and cheese across the counter, and blatantly ignored the two of them. Determined to lose Cloud, the silver-haired man turned his carriage and walked away. Cloud, however, merely laughed, slid off of the counter and trailed behind him.

"Why the fuck are you following me?" the General sighed, grabbing a can of soup and dropping it into the carriage.

"Because," Cloud snatched another can of the same soup and added it to the carriage as well. "Zack and Angeal don't think you can get through the morning without killing someone."

The statement was so simple that Sephiroth didn't quite catch what was said at first. Then he backtracked and stared down at the blonde, one eyebrow cocked high. "And you're here because…?"

"Because I fucking _hate_ Saturday mornings, and was sleeping on Zack's couch." the blonde replied grumpily with a sigh. "He said either I make sure you don't hurt anyone, or he and Angeal would _do_ it."

And the eye twitch was back. Angeal and Zack had sent someone to stalk him.

Angeal and Zack were dead fucking meat.

His scowl was no longer a rival to anyone's; it was now the most death-threatening scowl to ever grace the entire planet, and he was pinning it on Cloud, who looked entirely too bored to care. "Why didn't you just go to your _own_ room and sleep?"

"Because," Cloud whined, gesturing around wildly. Sephiroth slowly cocked an eyebrow. "Have you ever had to sleep on a cadet bunk? They fucking hurt. It's like sleeping on _nails_."

And then Sephiroth had an idea.

A beautiful, amazing, solve-all-of-his-problems idea.

"I'll make you a deal." he rushed, stopping short. He whirled around to face the teen and grabbed his shoulders. "You sleep at my place Friday nights—"

"Gross."

"Let me fucking finish." Sephiroth snapped, glaring down at Cloud. "And you do my shopping Saturday mornings."

"Why did I let you finish?" Cloud replied, voice dripping with cockiness. "That's a terrible idea."

The General raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms. "Well, I was under the impression you didn't want to see Zack and Angeal fucking like rabbits."

To that, Cloud worked his mouth wordlessly.

And then he frowned.

Then he smirked up at the man and nodded. "Deal." he replied, smirk widening into a toothy grin. "One condition."

A silver eyebrow arched. "Go on…"

Cloud examined his fingernails for a long, quiet moment, then put one hand on his hip and jabbed the older man's chest. "You and me. Together."

"Together?" Sephiroth repeated dumbly.

With a roll of bright blue eyes, Cloud grabbed the General by the strings of his hoodie, and yanked him down into a kiss. As soon as they broke away, the blonde stuck his tongue out.

"Together. Deal?"

Sephiroth blinked down at the cadet, and debated this simple yes or no question. Date a relatively attractive young man who would do his shopping for him, or be stalked. Weekly. By said young man, Zack, or Angeal. Or—his eye twitched—Genesis.

Date.

Or stalking.

Well, Angeal _was_ telling him to be normal.

So, with little hesitation, he leaned down and kissed the teen on the lips, then grabbed his hand and hauled him through the aisle. "Can we catch a movie after this? I really want to go see that new horror film about—"

"—The chick coming back from the dead and murdering people with a sledgehammer?" Cloud interrupted excitedly.

And Sephiroth just stopped. Right there, in the middle of the aisle, Sephiroth stopped and turned to face the teen next to him, his eyes uncharacteristically full of awe. "I think I love you." he simply stated.

Cloud just waved him off and shrugged his shoulders. "I've loved you for six years. I think we're pretty much even."

The looks on Zack and Angeal's faces when Sephiroth strolled out of the store an hour later, a blonde in tow and both smiling and laughing, were completely priceless. Sephiroth had stopped in the parking lot just to tell them if they left their mouths hanging open in such a way, someone might think they were offering free blow jobs. And Cloud had happily added they were now free to screw each other as much as they wanted, because he wouldn't have to watch them.

And the way they both spluttered wordlessly as the two walked away really made Sephiroth consider loving Saturday mornings. Key word consider. They still sucked ass if he had to wake up early.

Thank the gods that Angeal and Zack had sent someone to spy on him.

He smiled down at the cocky blonde cadet, and got an elbow in the ribs for being a "creep".

He could definitely get used to this.

* * *

><p><strong>OH, ETHEL AND EUNICE. I DO LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH.<strong>

**I don't think I've every written Cloud in such a bitchy way. He's got like... bitchittude. I'm proud of you, Cloud. So very proud.**

**Thanks for readingggg. Review~?**


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